Movie Review: Friday the 13th *Minor Spoilers*

The highly anticipated "reimagining" of Friday the 13th has finally arrived. I myself have been eagerly awaiting the second coming of Jason Vorhees since I saw the first trailer. Let me start by saying I am not exactly opposed to all remakes, and I certainly have no real attachment to the original films to be completely against remaking them. So it is with an open mind and excitement that I watched Jason tear across the screen again.

Unfortunately, that excitement was short-lived.

Friday the 13th opens with a near seizure launching credit sequence that flashes back to 1980. Then the movie jumps forward to present day for some killing, and then six weeks later for some more killing and a weak plot about a brother searching for his sister who was part of the campers Jason made mince meat out of weeks earlier. That's the whole plot.

So this reimagining gives us the following: Sex (not even good sex but almost slapstick comedy sex), Breasts, and Murder. Everything you'd expect from a Friday the 13th movie. So in that sense I suppose that means this is a good Friday the 13th movie.

The problem is that this movie is not being billed as a remake. It's being billed as a "reimagining" and with that term comes an expectation of elevating the source material to something more. At least for me.

Don't get me wrong. I am not looking for high art here. I am, however, looking for something that isn't completely brainless and insulting. Something more.

I loved the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was intense, scary, extremely well made and loyal to the source material. It gave service to fans and new comers alike.

Friday the 13th doesn't do that at all.

The acting is atrocious. From everyone, with the exception of Jared Padalecki who is passable at best. He is pretty much the only character that I didn't despise. That's not exactly true, the character of Chewy played by Aaron Yoo is pretty funny for the most part.

The script is awful. Anyone who writes the words "take that mother f*cker" into a script should be blacklisted from Hollywood. There are more lines that made me ill but in the interest of a spoiler free review, I won't put them out. Suffice it to say that there are many of them. There is also zero thought put into Jason's motivations. Sure he kills people that come near his woods, not to mention the weed farm (I'm not making that up) that the movie seems to indicate belongs to him. He also, inexplicably, starts killing locals. There is absolutely no reason for this to happen except to ratchet up a body count.

Despite all the bad, there are some good things about the film. I did enjoy Derek Mears as Jason Vorhees. His movement and interpretation of the character were great. He brought Jason to life in a way that hasn't been done before. Made him less a hulking mindless monster and more of a human monster. I also liked the sort of underground lair Jason has. I won't say anything else about that for fear of spoiling it for anyone.

The movie for me was just boring and had about as much suspense as an episode of The Cosby Mysteries. I didn't even have fun watching it. I jumped once, I laughed once. The rest of the time I was cringing (the bad kind).

Here is the bottom line. If all you want is breasts and blood then you'll love the movie, so by all means go see it. But I wanted something more. I wanted a true reimagining that might have given a little more gravity to a series that is mired in mediocrity.

I can't say that this movie is the worst of the Friday the 13th series, that honor belongs to the horrendous Jason X, nor can I say it is among the best. It falls somewhere in the middle.

I guarantee there are going to be people who love this movie. They'll go bananas for it. These are the people who are bringing complete ruination to horror. The kind of people who are pleased with mindless garbage vomited on screen without a thought. We deserve a lot better. I suppose I expected far too much but I walked out of that movie sorely disappointed.

That said, I am now extremely fearful of how the Nightmare on Elm Street remake is going to turn out.

If this is what we have to look forward to for the future of this genre than I truly fear for Horror.

Friday the 13th is in theaters now.