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| I have nothing to do with this but I'm cool! |
Oops, I missed a week, sorry! Stupid real life. I’m back on track in Bon Temps now though, and this week’s episode will be recapped tomorrow. Come into my time machine
and travel to last week’s episode to catch up for now. *Queue TARDIS noises*
As Tara BBQs herself to well-done in a tanning booth, Pam
arrives to save her since as maker she could sense her pain. Pam tries to pull
Tara from the bed, but gets a handful of goo instead, and Tara looks like she’s
just about done. She tries to fry herself some more, but Pam commands she never try
it again, to which Tara opens the booth with a “goddammit!” I need that kind of
power over people, just saying.
Outside of Merlotte’s, Lafayette confronts Sookie about her
admission to Alcide regarding what actually happened to Debbie Pelt. He’s
understandably pissed, although Sookie swears she never mentioned him and just
wants to do the right thing. Laffie calls her the angel of death, and he’s
right: her acting murders my soul every time she’s on screen.
Bill and Eric climb out of a trunk with their silly
dominatrix harnesses on, and try to decide who let Russell escape. Salome is in
another awesome robe, while Roman sits naked in bed, glorying in his moobies
and Nora getting tortured via laptop. I prefer the latter, just saying. Roman
asks Salome to get Nora to confess names of others involved in the Sanguinista
movement, and she promises results.
Sookie busts in on Ryan at home, and confesses that she killed
Debbie. Jason tells her to stfu (thank you!) and she tells him she's also confessed to
Alcide. He refuses to take her into jail, asks who else knows what went down,
and she names Lafayette. She also tells what happened to Tara, and explains
that they had Pam turn Tara to keep her from dying. “I ruin people’s lives!”
she laments. I’m sure you all see where this is going by now. She ruins mine
each week. *rimshot*
Pam and Tara enter Fangtasia to find Eric sitting in his
throne, and says “let bygones be bygones; bi-girls be bi-girls.” She should
make this her house motto and her house sigil a gleaming pink tube of lipstick
on a field of red. Oh wait, this isn’t Game of Thrones, so never mind. And
there’s Bill to bring it all back to hobbit level. Eric questions Pam about
Tara, and congratulates him on becoming a Pepaw. He doesn’t find this amusing
and excuses the others.
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| Eat me! |
Tara and Bill sit in a closet and talk about vampy things,
like impulses, makers, and Sookie (sigh). Tara is obviously pissed off at
Sookie, and tells Bill he needs to stop giving two fangs about her, and that she’s
safe because someone will always take a bullet for her, thanks to her magical
Tinkerbell blood.
Back in the main room of Fangtasia, Eric kicks the shit out
of Pam, accusing her of knowing where Russell is. This…this disappoints me. She
laments the fact that she’s always been faithful and is hurt that he thinks she
could betray her. She says that after a century they should trust each other,
and if not, he should let her go. He seems to disagree which is pretty stupid.
Pam is a bamf and has never done him wrong, so why decide to mistrust her
now? He heads out to Bill to discuss, who
suggests Nora as the culprit. They talk it over, and decide to go to ground and
keep trying to discover the “leak”.
Damienpire/Alexander Drew is back at the Authority tracking
Bill and Eric with the rest of the crew. They talk about turning the humans to
their side, and then cut to Nora praying to Lilith, who they then zap like a
mosquito. Dieter tells her to wake up since it was just a book written by
someone who was “high the whole time”.
Sharon Osbourne tells him to stop and that they shouldn’t disparage the
“good book” despite that. Even though the Guardian may dislike what they’re
discussing, he’s not present and they all get a giggle.
Andy and his ass are again the butt of Judge Clements’s
jokes as he visits Andy at the station. He thanks him for getting his kid
out of a ticket, and invites Andy and Jason for a night out on the town.
Two of Sam’s shifter friends show up at Merlotte’s much to
his dismay, because they’re apparently worried that he won’t run naked in the
woods again. Luna has also turned them down, so Sam accepts on the agreement they
will meet later. Sookie, on waitress duty, is inundated by people thinking jerk
thoughts about her. Not saying they were wrong, but no one needs to hear what
everyone else is thinking about them. She has enough and hides in Sam’s office.
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| Lol you're gonna die |
Lafayette shows up for work and has flashbacks about hating
Sookie over her little yellow car. Oh hai JesusDemon! He makes an appearance
and rips apart the hood. Bad things are gonna go down soon.
Alcide visits the residence of Debbie’s parents to tell them
the truth about what became of her. He’s so damn professional he sounds like he
could be a doctor. Also, he’s hot, just saying *shrugs*. He tells them that Marcus, the
previous (and dead) Packmaster of Shreveport was the one who murdered her, due
to her resistance to get in a relationship with him. Alcide tells them how he
broke Marcus’s neck with his own hands when he found out what happened. Debbie
and Alcide were apparently a teenaged dream until everything went south.
Debbie’s dad wants to kill Alcide, but her mother tells him to leave. Probably
for the best, for some reason I imagine that house to smell like bologna.
Sookie is driving her yellow car when the breaks appear to
fail. She flies down the road and her car smashes into a tree, but she barrel
rolls out of the car in time. Sigh. Let’s take a moment of silence to mourn
that cute little car. We cut to Terry and Pat, who are continuing their search
for their friend they believe to be setting the fires that have killed so many
of their other squad mates. Terry flashes back to their time in Iraq, where the
squad celebrates the 4th of July with booze and drugs in a Muslim
prayer tower, like all red blooded Americans. Way to represent the US guys.
They start tripping balls as bombs explore over the city. An angry local
confronts their watchout guy because dude, weak. The guard opens fire and shoots
the local, so everyone inside runs out to join the fray that’s beginning. The
dead man’s family comes upon the scene and understandably start freaking out,
so the soldiers decide the best course of action is to waste them all, women
and children included. America rules, fuck yeah!
Sookie makes it home and heads straight for the liquor
cabinet. Atta girl! That redeems her. A bit.
According to Sheriff Andy, Debbie’s parents have told him to
call of the search for her. Andy’s not buying it, and he wants to get to the
bottom of things. He’s planning on obtaining a search warrant from the judge
who ones him one so they can go dig around the properties near where Debbie’s abandoned
car was found. Hi Jessica! She super speeds into the room to talk to the sheriff
about the case, and glamours him into closing it instead. I really really need
to be able to do this.
Pam wakes up in the basement of Fangtasia, and Eric comes in.
He tells her that searching for Russell is a suicide mission, because either
Russell or the Authority will take them out once it’s all said and done. While
she wants to join him, Eric refuses and tells her he wants to release her. As
his only progeny, he wants his legacy to live on after his imminent death. Pam accepts, and they go through with it. It’s like a really sad break up, and
there may have been some tears happening here. He tells her she was born into
greatness through the line of Godric and since she is now a maker their blood
will thrive. Tara has some big shoes to fill.
Jason, the aforementioned judge, and Andy climb into a limo
with some hot chicks and are promptly blindfolded to head to a “club”. Seems
like this will end well!
At Bill’s house, he and Jessica search for bugs, and she
questions him on his kingship. He says he is still king but he’s wearing a
really stupid leather jacket. He finds a burnt joint and Jessica admits to
having people over; he says it’s cool but get better weed next time. And now I
kind of like him again despite the jacket, what is this season doing to me?
Jessica suggests that Bill visit Sookie because she’s been through so much
lately, and is falling apart and needs him. He tells her to take care of
herself and not worry about Sookie, and then gets all fatherly with Jessica which
is kind of adorable as much as I hate to admit it.
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| Wasn't me! |
Salmon and Roman come to Nora to try one last time to break
her and discover who the rat in the Authority is. She tells them to “fuck off”
again, despite all the torture they’ve put her through, and says that she
doesn’t even care if they kill Bill and Eric now. Need to kill a vampire? Roman
has an app for that and is ready use it. Nora finally breaks and spills her
guts on the promise of their continued safety.
The party boys have arrived at the club, which appears to be
run by fairies since they have to walk through an invisible wall in a field to
get there. This explains the blindfolds. Once inside, it’s basically the
definition of hedonism, with naked people dancing all over the place, doing
acrobatics and all kind of crazy shit. There are half naked boys too though so we’re
all good. Jason takes off with one of the ladies and Andy finds the chick he banged that one
night in the woods. Looks like that’s in the cards again, but gross.
At Sookie’s house, she’s drunk alone and singing her own
lyrics to If You Like Pina Coladas, which are actually kind of funny. I don’t know
what’s happening to me anymore. Lafayette calls her, having come upon Sookie’s
wrecked car, and starts to realize he probably had something to do with it. Alcide
shows up to find a drunk Sookie, and lets her know that he saved her ass again
by lying to the Pelts about what happened to Debbie. She begs his forgiveness
and they start boozing it up together.
Pat and Terry are on a compound searching for their old
squad mate when they find an underground bunker of craziness. It looks like some
serial killer pad, with scribbly drawings all over the walls. He finds them
before they do, and he’s not only crazy, he’s armed.
Sam shows up to the shifter meet and greet, only to find his
buds sitting at a table, gunshot wounds to the head. No more naked forest runs
for that club I suppose.
Pam wakes a typically surly Tara, and has brought her
breakfast in the form of Melanie. Tara’s having issues eating people, but
Melanie is totally down, and although Tara doesn’t want to, Pam commands her to
feed and guides her through it so she doesn’t kill breakfast. Tara seems to
finally start enjoying being a vampire, which is good because poor Tara needs
some fun in her life already.
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| But I look so innocent! |
Back at the Authority, Roman has called another table
meeting and whips out his stake, so obviously he knows the identity of the rat.
He prowls around the table being all menacingly, but at least he’s not yelling.
Someone comes in with a laptop, which Roman places in front of Damienpire, aka
Chancellor Drew, and asks him to explain a video he has in his possession. It’s of him berating and eating a person, and he explains it away as a memento and that
he’s sure everyone present has fed on a human at some point despite their
current stance. Now Roman’s yelling. Damienpire apparently sent the video to
the Sanguinistas and told them he was on their side though, so the volume is at
least appropriate in this case. RIP Damienpire…Roman stakes the hell out of him
for his treachery.
Drunk Sookie is still serving Alcide drinks, and I’m sure
clothes will start coming off soon. Sookie is finally realizing everyone hates
her so she’s just gonna basically be a drunk now. She tells Alcide she knows he’s
in love with her, he says screw you, and then, well, they start doing just
that. Bill is creeping outside her house watching and Eric shows up to tell him to quit
being a weirdo and to help him find Russell already instead. Bill says that
they need Sookie to help find him, and though Eric says that she wants nothing
to do with them, Bill says they shouldn’t give her the choice. And…back on my
shit list. That was fast.
At the fairy club, Jason’s getting down with one of them
when she reads his mind and tells him he’s thinking of a vamp instead of her.
Burn. Jason’s cousin Hadley is a server there now, and since she’s been gone
for ages they greet each other happily. I suddenly miss Queen Sophie-Anne. Hadley
wonders why Jason isn’t a refugee here, and he finally realizes that this is a “fairy
safe house” of sorts. She wants them to get Sookie and bring her here so she’s
safe from the vampires, who will do anything for fairy blood. Hadley insists
that they will kill her like they did Jason and Sookie’s parents. Another fairy
forces her off as Jason realizes that his folks weren’t killed in a flood like
he’d thought his whole life. Jason and Andy get into a kerfuffle with the
fairies, and get tossed out by a couple studly male fairy bodyguards, who then
end up back in the field and get microwave finger treatment.
Tune in tomorrow for this week’s edition!
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