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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Justin Bieber's Sweet Swag Struggle

by Kari Tervo

Justin Bieber walks into a Starbucks not wearing a shirt. . .The punch line is, "And an LA Clipper punches him in the face."
This is not a joke! This is real life, David! I don't condone the face-punching, but what the hell is going on with Justin Bieber? And I'm not talking about any potential mental illness or substance abuse difficulties; I'm talking about the boy's swag.

Remember how he's going to swag swag swag on you, sittin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue? Okay, well I do, because I first heard it on morning radio and thought it was like the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life, a kid born in the 90s selling his access to fondue like it's a desirable element.

I guess I should have known then that I shouldn't be surprised at Justin Bieber's latest comical juxtaposition of sexy and wtf?
Because Justin Bieber waltzed into this Starbucks, shirtless, all swoll, and was like--this is for serious--he ordered a caramel-apple machiatto.

Let's ignore for a minute he got punched by a Clipper. What is less swaggy than a caramel apple machiatto? Real swag involves some kind of bite, like an Italian roast, or at least an Americano. Definitely nothing with crema and a decorative drizzle. Bieber presented himself as too cool for Starbucks rules, and then ordered a drink so lacking in rebellion, it would have been preferred by the House Un-American Activities Committee. Can I serve you that drink with a whipped cream blanket, Justin? You look cold without a shirt on.

Okay--for real, I'm hoping this guy is not suffering something serious that would contribute to his overflowing stream of bad judgment. Maybe shirtless rebellion crossed with a dessert-drink order is the best statement he can make right now about feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable when he's a young guy in so much trouble. Or, maybe he just wanted a sugary treat. Here's to getting your swag back, Biebs. In accordance with county health code. No shirt, no swag, no sugar.

UPDATE: I can't find the link to the original anymore, meaning it might have been a troll job. If so, what a great troll job! It's much more subtle than that photo they've shopped to make it look like he's wearing a diaper!

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