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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Justin Bieber's Sweet Swag Struggle

by Kari Tervo

Justin Bieber walks into a Starbucks not wearing a shirt. . .The punch line is, "And an LA Clipper punches him in the face."
  
This is not a joke! This is real life, David! I don't condone the face-punching, but what the hell is going on with Justin Bieber? And I'm not talking about any potential mental illness or substance abuse difficulties; I'm talking about the boy's swag.
CLICK RAWR TO GET SWOLL AND SUGARED!

Remember how he's going to swag swag swag on you, sittin' by the fire while we eatin' fondue? Okay, well I do, because I first heard it on morning radio and thought it was like the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life, a kid born in the 90s selling his access to fondue like it's a desirable element.

I guess I should have known then that I shouldn't be surprised at Justin Bieber's latest comical juxtaposition of sexy and wtf?
Because Justin Bieber waltzed into this Starbucks, shirtless, all swoll, and was like--this is for serious--he ordered a caramel-apple machiatto.

Let's ignore for a minute he got punched by a Clipper. What is less swaggy than a caramel apple machiatto? Real swag involves some kind of bite, like an Italian roast, or at least an Americano. Definitely nothing with crema and a decorative drizzle. Bieber presented himself as too cool for Starbucks rules, and then ordered a drink so lacking in rebellion, it would have been preferred by the House Un-American Activities Committee. Can I serve you that drink with a whipped cream blanket, Justin? You look cold without a shirt on.

Okay--for real, I'm hoping this guy is not suffering something serious that would contribute to his overflowing stream of bad judgment. Maybe shirtless rebellion crossed with a dessert-drink order is the best statement he can make right now about feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable when he's a young guy in so much trouble. Or, maybe he just wanted a sugary treat. Here's to getting your swag back, Biebs. In accordance with county health code. No shirt, no swag, no sugar.

UPDATE: I can't find the link to the original anymore, meaning it might have been a troll job. If so, what a great troll job! It's much more subtle than that photo they've shopped to make it look like he's wearing a diaper!


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