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Saturday, June 14, 2014

Trehern Reads: #StarWars Vector Prime

It has been a long time since I sat among my many leather-bound books and chose a tome worth perusing.  But this night, I find myself weary of the day's travels and must lounge to take in my many thoughts and relax with a good novel.

Ah, an installment in the Star Wars Expanded Universe!  Perfect.  These always take me to high adventure and the depths of uneplored space.  Nope, wait this sucks balls...

Vector Prime is the first in a long line of Star Wars novels under the banner of The New Jedi Order.  And boy, for the first installment, this really makes me want to NOT read the New Jedi Order.  For crimedy's sake, Star Wars is soooo hard to f*ck up!  You're a special kind of author to make Star Wars boring and schmucky as hell.  Congratulations, RA Salvatore, you're fake name will go down in history as the guy who got Trehern to STOP READING STAR WARS BOOKS!!

Grant it, I read them a lot as a teenager, and I loved them: Shadows of the Empire, Young Jedi Knights and all the movie adaptations.  I was always like, "Hey assh*oles!  Look at me!! I'm reading books that adults read!  Wooooo!!"  Little did I know that those Star Wars books were probably written for adults with a below average reading the USA Today. **newspaper burn**

Enough ranting; man I haven't taken a science fiction book to the woodshed like this since the old Shatnerverse days (Uggghhhh....).  The story is pretty simple.  Luke is still a Jedi, Leia is still derpa derpa government and Han Solo is "dad cool."  There's also way too many kids around.  The Solo twins and their little brother Anakin are whiny as hell, and the coolest cat of all time, Lando Calrissian, is just some chump who winks a lot.  GAH!

The more interesting parts of the story take place on another planet with 30-something scientists who are being knocked off by an alien in disguise.  The alien is Yormin Carr, and he's of the Lame-o Vong race who come from the galaxy next door.  They are planning an invasion with their bio-ships and bio-tech and their bio-flying machines because...uh...they can?  It's a Tuesday?  I'm not really sure.  Just know, they're the bad guys. And the bureaucrats of the New Republic are the bad guys...  Everyone except Luke, Leia and Han because the entire galaxy should be run the way THEY want to run it.  Pfffttttt!

The story just feels totally empty.  No characters develop, Han is kind of a dick, there are no spiritual or philisophical questions to's just a waste of time.  These characters have been through sooo much cinematically and in literature, but they're portrayed almost one-dimensionally.  

Oh yeah, and Chewbacca dies for no reason.  In the middle of the book, no less!  It's not a climax or even a long, drawn-out tragedy.  He just up and kicks the space bucket!  Boo hoo!  Was that a twist!?  Cause no one in the book (or me, rather) really seems to care for more than 5 minutes.  

Basically, if you want to read a Star Wars book, take a hike.  These aren't half as cool as they used to be.  There's no worthwhile stories anyway since Jon Jay Abrahams isn't including them in HIS movie cause HE thinks they might mess with HIS Jar Jar fan-fic blockbuster.  But that's a whole other rant.

Star Wars Vector Prime Gets a
3 out of 10 Wookie Moon Deaths

Hey guys, Chewbacca here.  We've all had a lot of fun tonight ragging on mailed in sci-fi novels and over-exposed and under-talented directors, but seriously.  Check out your local library.  Donate if you can.  And burn every last copy of Vector Prime.  Oh yeah, I also speak perfect English...and I'm not dead anymore.  TWIST!     

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