Recap: True Blood – Whatever I am, You Made Me (Episode 5.3)

We open with Tara going batshit crazy in the woods, having just been sprayed by Sookie’s boobie-trapped house with silver. Sookie and Lafayette try to catch her but she gives them the slip and eats a lady. Just kidding, she saw a cross in the girl’s car and had a change of heart. Maybe she's not so crazy after all.
Roman decides to take Eric and Bill up on capturing Russell, who is now the hero of the Sanguinista movement. He’s certainly my hero. Roman asks to see the new Nan Flannigan (RIP) and in walks Rev. Steve and his smarmy little face.

Sookie heads to Fangtasia to enlist Pam’s help with Tara, and discovers that Bill and Eric haven’t been seen in days. Pam wins the record for world’s fastest texter, and is presented with a plaque. No she’s not, but she should be. Pam refuses to help find Tara and throws Sookie across the room, which I rewatched three times. Then “Tinkerbell” as Pam calls her does her faerie lightening ball and flings Pam away, running from the bar.

Roman yells an awful lot. He’s yelling about Sanguinistas again, who apparently want to factory farm humans. He accepts Steve’s appointment as the new face of the Authority in the media, with Steve promising to lay it on the public as thick as possible. Do we know what happened to his wife? I totally can’t remember.

Eric and Bill get fitted in special harnesses that will allow the Authority to kill them instantly should they get up to any hijinks. They look really silly, but I’m always glad for a scene with a shirtless Eric. Well except when he was banging his sister, because that was just not cool.

Tara is at Merlotte’s drinking through his entire stock of True Blood. She makes a really silly growly face when Sam mentions Sookie and Lafayette’s names, and then falls into a coma because dawn breaks.

In Butts I Do Not Need to See Again news, Sheriff Andy’s naked ass is plastered all over the internet, and unfortunately the screen. The parents of Debbie Pelt show up, at Andy’s request. Jason is off grocery shopping and runs into an old teacher, where sexual innuendo revolving around pickles takes place.  

Terry and Arlene fight some more and Terry lets her know he’s leaving with Pat for an undisclosed amount of time. She cries again as Sookie and Lafayette show up. Sookie reads Sam’s mind to discover Tara’s taken up residence in the freezer.

Back in 1905, Eric’s visiting Pam’s Whore Emporium when he runs into Lorena and Bill draining another girl. Bill is so stumpy, I never noticed until now. He and Eric have words but Lorena says she’ll teach Bill to mellow out. Pam demands $500 for each girl they’ve killed, they leave, then she and Eric make sexy eyes, and they get it on. Cut away! Boo.

Predictably, Jason and his teacher were lovers while he was in high school, and of course, they have a little afternoon delight with their tea. He’s the instigator in the situation for sure. Her cat looks on, horrified.

Debbie’s creepy parents are sniffing around Alcide for info (oh yeah, pun totally intended), who tells them she was a drugged up hoepuppy so he kicked her out. Back at Merlotte’s, Sookie is giving the same story to Sherriff Andy. And dammit all, there’s his ass again.

Jason and teacher have finished up, and now he’s sharing the cat’s horror at the situation. It seems like he may not have been the instigator back then. She sits naked on the floor as he rushes out, saying it was wrong of them to have done this while he was in high school. Her cat forgives her.

Bill talks with Salome about her story in the Bible, and she explains how she was basically traded for John the Baptist’s head and that it wasn’t her idea. I start getting bored at this point (Beel and all) and begin worrying about what he and Anna Paquin’s baby will look like. I don’t think it will end well. Then B&S have gross hallway sex.

OH HAI THAT’S MY TOWN. I went down the street there when I heard they were filming here, but I didn’t get to see anyone good that I could tell. It was neat seeing the stores all set up for the shoot though. /Immacreepystalkerstory

In the dress shop, the clerk tells Jessica to watch out for Jason, and then Jessica does the whole bitchy “I’m rich now and my dad can beat up your dad” routine. While she’s changing, some British guy comes in to pick up dresses for his 16 sisters, and gives Jessica…what do you call that, a fang boner? She says he smells awesome, he runs away, and she chases him up the street and totally toward my house. Fairy alert!

I said “oh my god NO” loudly when Hoyt walked into Fangtasia wearing his guyliner and mesh. Pam warns him he’ll get eaten alive, and he says, yeah, that’s the point. Sad Pam face queues a San Francisco flashback of she and Eric in bed, where she asks to be turned. And THERE is a butt I want to see, thank you. Eric says no, and Pam calls his bluff and slits her wrists. VamPam is born.

Salmon wishes she were this fabulous!

Salome is now with Eric, and she has one of those awesome robes like Shelley Long wore in Troop Beverly Hills, with the big puffy sleeves. I need this now please. She tells him that he was Godric’s favorite, and then she’s naked and wants to make friends. 

Stupid Nora is still alive, because the writers hate us all. But Sharon Osbourne is torturing her so that does make me feel better at least. Nora tells Sharon that she believes Lillith will rise again and that she does believe in the Sanguinista movement in a bid to save the threatened Eric and Bill.

Jessica pays Jason a booty call when she can’t track down the fairy guy, but he’s not into it because he’s still freaking out over doing his teacher. They make up but just as friends, and she promises to be his shoulder to cry on but not actually because otherwise he’ll want to have sex with her.

Tara is dreaming of killing Arlene in the freezer, and as Lafayette wakes her with a bottle of True Blood and pats her, she tries to squeeze his hand off. Alcide is warning Sookie about Debbie when Tara busts out of the freezer, tells everyone off, and leaves.

Eric and Bill talk Salome sex in the elevator, which opens to a bunch of armed guards. Salmon (typo but that’s her name now) is still naked and telling Roman that the boys are definitely not Sanguinistas, when he tells her of Nora’s confession. Girl thoughts: I wonder what lipstick she’s wearing, because I really like it. More butts! I’m starting an official butt count next week. Roman calls Salmon his secret weapon, and then more sex. She is a busy little fish.

Lafayette has a fight with Arlene in the kitchen, after which the Jesus demon slips in and pours a gallon of bleach in the gumbo. He comes back to in time to realize what he’s doing. In the parking lot, Sookie comes clean to Alcide about what happened the night Debbie died and Tara was turned. He makes his glowly face which is really cute, and then he takes off.

Tara’s now on the loose downtown and she breaks into a tanning bed for a quick session. She hops in and starts to burn and scream immediately.  Pam’s maker sense is tingling, and she stops some more crazy speedy typing to call Tara a “stupid bitch” and presumably go save her. Til next week!