It's a common complaint that the STAR WARS prequel trilogy kinda sucks; that the new trilogy of movies covered irrelevant aspects of the Star Wars universe, the acting was atrocious and that GLuc is a frickin' failure. Well, the time has come to heal the legend!
I mentioned recently that there was a "sweet spot" for the world of Star Wars; between Return of the Jedi and The Phantom Menace. Why the sweet spot? Because any attempt to expand the universe (books, comics, video games, whatever) was limited by the unknown mythos that couldn't be touched. Lucas only approved so much "expanded universe" stuff: no book really went into who Luke Skywalker's mother was (they almost did), because there might someday soon probably be new movies. What kind of adventures did Anakin go on before becoming Darth Vader?? Ah ah ah, no way, bro, just talk about Rogue Squadron. Has Yoda been on Dagobah for 900 years? Who knows!? But it was kinda badass NOT knowing...
Then the prequels came out and everybody went **fart**. All that suspense, contemplation and imagination was deflated. But that's okay, cause we get another chance! The Abrams-verse now contains the Star Wars, because JJ is gonna send Jar-Jar through a black hole and hesah gonna create a new place. A place where Tatooine implodes cause, yeah, let's just destroy pivotal locations.
So let's take this opportunity to help JJ in shaping a better Star Wars. One that may re-kindle that exciting world of the unknown. "A place of myth and legend"...wait, hold up wrong article.
Top 5 Stories to Include in Episodes VII-XVII
#5. More Rebel Alliance, More Emperor Clones, Less Derpah Derpah GOVERNMENT: The downfall of the prequels were their focus on everything that nobody cared about. We got it, the government is corrupt; now let's move onto something that is actually new. The "clones" storyline was a mess, with Boba Fett's dad being the clone? And that didn't even start until the second movie?! CRIMEDY! Here let me help you...
A good example of adding something new and interesting to an already established status quo would be Shadows of the Empire. They took minor happenings to our favorite characters and focused on those and not big, huge conspiracies. Xizor, the head of Black Sun and the main antagonist in Shadows, was standing around when the Emperor was talking to Vader in Empire Strikes Back. Subtlety, my dudes; it pays off in the end. An entire movie that only dealt with Imperial officers running a Super Star Destroyer could be totally epic.
#4. Avoid Tales from the Corellian Crypt: Signing Ford, Fisher and Hamill to the new movies is a great idea...if all they do is lay there in coffins at the beginning of the film before Ackbar introduces a MAJOR flashback. ("50 years ago...it was a trap...") With new movies focusing on these old cats, we eliminate a huge gap of storytelling time. 30+ years! No one wants to see Solo blasting zombie-pirates from his laser-mounted iron lung... (okay, that sounds pretty frickin' swag, but that's beside the point!)
Let's get some of those young people that everyone is talking about. Abrams only brought back Nimoy for Star Trek and no one else. JJ should just use the corpse of Peter Cushing in an opening scene and move on! Focus your efforts on Zachary Quinto as Prince Isolder from The Courtship of Princess Leia or something. Don Draper as Grand Admiral Thrawn with Zach Galifinakis as Durga the Hutt; cause we need the Darksaber to be in there somewhere!
#3. Yavin 4 is a Buyer's Market: There's a really pivotal scene in Heir to the Empire when Luke is speaking with Ghost Ben Kenobi. He tells Ben that he's the last of the old Jedi, but Kenobi retorts that he's actually the first of the NEW. Zahn gets it! I'll admit that I like seeing Jedi Knights slash their way into Trade Federation cruisers, but let's be careful with that heritage. In the original trilogy, the Jedi were a mysterious order with a dark and unknown past...a little development could work, but maybe it's time to see how Skywalker would rebuild it. What values will he highlight? How much of the old ways will he keep? Does he take out a mortgage on the Jedi Academy? What's the interest rate? Will the one-armed hottie Tenel Ka be in the films!? She better be!!
#2. "Mah-widge...": Han and Leia get hitched, we all know that. But does everyone know that they managed to have twins (was Anakin Skywalker a twin?!? GASP!), who go on to be trained by their uncle? And that Han Solo should totally bail and become a space pirate again? (Space Divorce: it happens.) Whatever direction they take, we need this whole family-thing handled with some class. Empire is one of the greatest love stories ever told; don't cyborg-claw-marry-scene me again...**sigh**
#1. High Adventure TO DAH MAX[1]!!: The original Star Wars is held in such high-regard, that sometimes we forget how simple it is: Boy finds wizard, gets magic sword, teams up with pirate, faces evil, wins the day, makes out with sister. It's a story as old as time! The prequel trilogy tried to do a lot with government analogies, CG-effects, deep themes and ruining Boba Fett; that's why one should consider taking simpler elements and adding new characters while deepening others. Remember, the reason why the starships in Episode I were so sleek was because it was a time of prosperity; so the times after the Rebellion should be super sh*tty. Basically what I'm saying JJ is keep things sh*tty. That means no lens flare.
Notes:
[1] Shout out to "Blue Max."
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